|It's all about me
||[Jun. 11th, 2008|10:49 pm]
Living on meds, with meds, and beacuse of meds.
Hi everyone. I have been diagnosed as "manic depressive" which was later "bi-polar," then it was "social phobic" or "anti-social" and then "anxiety disorder," and now, just within the last month, a psychiatrist (the latest one) has decided I have a high IQ and therefore, I need to be slowed down, and treated as if I have Adult ADD because I think too fast. Um. . . ok, so if I think so fast, why couldn't I finish college? Why didn't I come up with some way to make tons of money by now? Why why why why . . . . etc. He had no answers. BUT - he put me back on 5mg of valium a day, which I have been on in the past and it worked wonderfully. And 300mg of wellbutrin which he said would raise my dopamine levels and help me conentrate and be happier being slower with the valium. . . . uh . . . WHAT? So basically, I'm another case where I have to be slowed down a stupid level, which depresses me, so . . . a secondary drug is used to make me feel ok about that. Sorry, I know there's a scientific name and description for this diagnosis and treatment, but . . . I tend to call it like I see it.
So I'm a couple of weeks into it now, and I typically stick to the 5mg of valium (I took two the other day when I knew the day would be tough at work) and it really does make me calm and floaty. Not tired like some people. . . just . . . content, even if only artificially so. The Wellbutrin . . . well, I don't know. I can't tell anything. I don't feel any different from it. I have had some incredibly detailed dreams, but other than that. . . nothing. I feel nothing from it. I have had a couple of weird outbursts of anger. Generally other drivers do things that piss me off, but I have surprised myself with the strings of profanity that will come out of my mouth on occasion. Then, just as suddenly, I'm fine. I used to self medicate with marijuana. I still like to drink, but I don't smoke that anymore. However, some of my best college papers/grades were produced while I was extremely high. So . . . that's the basics of me. Anyone else similar?